One of those #havetomakeyourselfmakeandeatbreakfast days.
It’s been a tough week.
Not with work, or Even those I work with. It’s just been emotionally intense little things taking the time to rise up and be dealt with because even They need closure &/or decalcification…and I have not handled That well at all.
Early on I was feeling psychically asked of in certain areas of my life that offended me, in that way where the reveal doesn’t happen until your feeling of outrage & offense register, meaning you have to unpack the whole damned thing.
And I was struggling with that, but trucking. Standing my ground, bloodied tho it may have been. Feeling the forward thrust in figuring all of that out.
But it was a bad mix.
Because the workings of all of that were afoot as I was reclaiming sonic serenities within me via the Rawktober meditations, flying wildly &freely, facing off with the demons to be felled in all that.
And I’m known to be a candid writer in here anyways, but as a ‘Creative,’ & in light of the mental health conversations Kanye is making the melaninated world at large have to have I am feeling I need to get rawer than usual.
I was battling down, spiritually bruised but not weary, at full mast, straight “fuck that, I’m not putting up with xyz Anymore! Right is right!”
…and then 3 days in I opened my computer and an image came across the fn Bing screensaver that shows you stunning vistas from all over the world… Of what looked like this ravine I once Dreamt incessantly of killing myself in. Not sleep dreamt. Every waking moment of every day for a stretch dreamed. Due to the diseased actions of other human beings.
Not decades ago.
Early January of 2017. Not bottom of the pit. In the midst of the RAW:Eurythmy Retrospective up above Taos. Technical success.
In a community that had embraced the intent of the show, Others abounding- I literally HAD the celestial dance/ pow wow those costumes represented with people who fought through all kinds of weird hells drawn to the site of that show. & We succored one another. There was solace & sustanence in every exchange had….and there were half a handful of people who tried to sabotage all that from this place of envy in them. Utterly unsuccessfully, but Energies that sung out of the shit I left behind in nyc lives, coated in my “See?this Is why I don’t waste my time with-“nonetheless.
It was an intense period of heightened ebuillence due to reconnecting with Others…and this disgust with humans as I easily maneuvered my geist around the attempts on it. Sat me smack dab in what I love and hate about humanity.
And the Good wasn’t enough. So I was goaded to kill myself because “there was not going to be any success without shiesty shady cowards trying to involve themselves In the dance by trying to sabotage it.” & Something Wanted me to throw myself into the gorge, a pilgrimage place for my kind, that also happens to be One of the Most successful suicide spots in the northern hemisphere.
Instead, my processing all of that by the beginning of February was to burn the show, outside of the costumes &pieces sold. Systematically. A guy I loved on the periphery was doing this weird sonic claimation shit from afar that, in that climate rung out like the tin it was & everything connected to him instinctively went up in smoke in that furnace with the artwork. Grateful to the grid keeping me there so Others could find me & we all could re-up and go back into the madness of the gauntlet necessary on the way home, I finally went to that bridge. With those ashes. I can’t even recall which “friend” took me, but… I flung those ashes over the bridge into that ravine…and they all went down…Then Shot up en masse like this wild banner in the sky. A shooting star cut across the sky in broad daylight as both our heads whipped up in shock.
When that Bing image rose upthis week it brought back the torque of wanting to kill Myself just to not have to deal with the shittiness being attempted by humans. & it bled like a motherfuck across the rest of the week.
Because it’s never about being bested by the shit. I never am. It’s this epic, visceral, internal skeeved-outness of this scum trying to scum since scum is all it has known.
Like when a person who confused love with abuse because that’s all she’s ever witnessed or agreed to breaks up with her abusive boyfriend & then tries to bait everyone around her into fucking her and/OR bashing her face in, then screams treason when they refuse to partner in that dance.
THIS WEEK…It BECAME a mental health issue, that reverb. Because that aforementioned Like sums up a manifesting of both of those vibes that came to a head out here at the start of the month.
What that image triggered was a realization that all the shit that went down with a coworker here who tried to get me fired for not fucking with her…was connected contextually to that same beast. That it was still lurking. & I had not dealt fully with either manifestation of it.
But that’s the loop we get strangled in. “IT IS THE SAME SHIT.” That’s half of that definition of insanity.
And I was struggling. I Was so like fuck everything that I wearily got to this place of “God, I Gotta reframe this. I MUST find a way to see this anew -or that’s it. Not doing that negates all the good I’ve done. Please help me-”
I had to write this out to See “NOo~ this is different” AND to receive the help that I’d asked for.
The reframe only hit in exposing the dank to the light of day. The shit we keep silent. To keep going.
In silence that Gorge &anything that looks like it-because it wasn’t even the Gorge, the Bing image was in Iceland- had this foreboding, this unspoken harbinger energy that Just festered.
Shared? I suddenly saw the spirits of all those who made that jump, goaded before me, looking up as I sent the ashes solemnly down.
That Show & what it did, who it helped…was why I Was being goaded to die.
Sometimes the breaking press comes not Because you’re crazy but because you’re fucking effective…and from some POVs must be stopped, if possible.
That show helped & clarified comrades refusing to jump just yet Just like me…and those ashes were like me showing felled warriors the fight goes on & we the pushed see themand fight in their stead…and their deaths weren’t in vain.
And now…every time I see an image that reminds me of the place I was almost going to die in… I AM going to think of the suicidal souls IN that very real, beautiful valley of the shadow of death that became part of my cloud of witnesses that day. Instead of letting it impede me with memories of when I wanted to die due to the dumb filthiness of pockets of humanity getting to me…I AM thanking the vista & the spirits who people it for empowering me…to keep going.
As for the latter mentioned otherside of it -the coworker debacle, I now understand why my spirit has been clamoring for a mental health day off from work…that I have been refusing to take. I now understand that I need it &what I need to do on it.
I have to release a lot of what was put upon me to “be the bigger person” in the lead up to the truth coming out about this former coworker…because all that is still being carried with me. And today I put those parcels down.
The Bona fide mental health aspect to be addressed is the Sickness inherent…in living in a world that wants to enslave you, then is angry it can’t, then vilifies you for its inability to best you, all while trying to paint you up as the slacker that doesn’t deserve any of the promotion you receive due to your work ethic AND The Superhero that’s supposed to be able to bear ALL, while still trying to write you off as nothing. It’s not my psychosis- It’s interacting with lazy individuals nursed on the teat of that system that you’re supposed to show empathy for even though they’d kill you any chance they got due to all the inadequacies within themselves that they’re trying to make YOU represent so as not to drown.
The definitions & parameters of True Love in this life MUST BE RECALIBRATED. Because THEY have changed. They simply have.
& I have to fully forgive her. Not christianese, spooky pooky forgive her…I mean, and I’ve never said Anything like this before in my entire life but-
I have to forgive her for deserving to lose her fucking job due to the despicable shit She kept incessantly trying in regards to me. That’s a whole new head, uncharted territory.
Recognizing the True LOVE…in that? Graduate-level finals type shit. The reverb of which is felt everywhere.