You can be so focused on fully doing whatever it is you have tasked yourself to do…but if it is the Wrong thing- for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time, in the wrong direction, even in the wrong vicinity- no matter how disciplined and focused you are at it… you have to stop.
I’m a Great Finisher. I’ve honed that. If I start something, one way or another it is going to be finished. Almost prided myself on that bizarre dependability, in places and situations where I looked like a plum fool, considering. I was “working towards God.” If you’re going to do anything, do it well, you know? It wasn’t that I was not taking in my surroundings. It was that my geist and intent are more important to me than any surroundings, and regardless of the culture, I was going to do right by them- my God, my calling and my mores- before trying to mimic the offerings of others alongside me. But in the arc of this summer I came across something that has changed how I look at everything i’ve done and relied on to get me to here.
The more FOR you…requires more From you. What got you here requires more from you to surpass it.
I haven’t been able to shake the resonance of hearing her Say that with these ears. Because I DO that…I’ve DONE that. That’s been the real where I was rooting down in. Until this year. I’ve put up with ugh situations because I thought suffering through that, staying sane and honorable in those situations AND getting my shit done in spite of them was the cost, the more.
In hindsight, I just now realize I was bending it wrong. 2018 has shown me That has fuck all to do with the real cost of the things I desire. My calculations and the numbers I was working with were off because I was inadvertently adding in and tallying the wrong things.
…and I say that at the end of the most productive period of my life so far. I say this with a mind towards the game of Go. I’ve lost no land, but my strategy tweaked could’ve doubled it instead of incrementally growing it.
All that Other stuff wasn’t the “from” required of me FOR the dream. It was the shit trying to knock me off my mark. And I knew that. But the attempt to Tango wasn’t something to be added to the cost column. It was just a different block and needed to be taken and brutalized as such.
You can train at sprints for ten years straight.
It’s not going to teach you how to swim across the Golden Gate. Run across the bottom? Maybe. But everything that is not perfecting your fucking breathing, your breaststroke and your ability to conserve your energy and float is a waste of time that you can shore up with more precise training.
& Okay~ “what about improvement in overall athleticism?”
I get it! Heck, that’s been my call this whole time. “That x is going to build up my y and my y needs to be built so I can smoothly perform X, so…” No aspect of that is untrue. It just misses the point in a roundabout. Basketballers practice ballet to learn how to become aerodynamic for jumpshots and the literal dance of the game. But they do not give up Basketball FOR tour-jetes. If you’re going to go to Y to spruce up X, you gotta consistently synthesize what you are learning in Y TO X for the true goal to ever be reached.
I know, all these Sports metaphors are like “WhO ArE YoU?!”lol, but what I’m really talking about is braiding something kinesthetically into your system and not wasting synapses on secular shit that you’re going to have to whittle out the way after the fact to do what you set out to do. Streamline before you begin so you finish hard instead of finishing with a season of whittling away things that are only there because you took the roundabout you didn’t technically Have to take.
And sometimes you really do.
Sometimes the only way forward IS that fn roundabout, IS making sense of what you’ve been given, finding out how to apply that, how to get something out of that to propel you forward. I am not Knocking it. As I’ve said, I’ve been the underground, gypsying Queen of it.
But it is for a season, not a lifetime. And waking up to the closing of that season is Huge.
What do you really want to DO?
What is the real FOR that should motivate the more, that should actually explicitly define the More in no uncertain terms?
…that’s what Is going on in this painting.
A twisting force that tends to cause rotation. In a metaphysical sense over the past ten years so much has been made of people recognizing the spirals of life “Life is a Spiral Up~” “we keep running into this motif because it’s a spiral.”
What if it’s not a spiral in the way you’re picturing it?
What if it’s torque when it’s time to be patching into a linear force? What if the spiral is Not because we are going higher or fighting off lower, but instead because we are going through escape velocity issues? What if the game twists to stop you from breaking free of the gravitational pull of wherever you’re aiming to be, and it’s only subconsciously noticed by your system as a reappearance of a motif, which triggers you parroting shit about spirals because that’s how the whole thing =the twisting trap= shows up in the collective psyche?
I have sat and looked at this painting as it has shifted coming into fruition. and that’s not normally my style. Living with it. Up until this point that is not the kind of artist I’ve been. I build it out, bring’em in, then burn it. It’s all been very visceral.
…but sitting with it, I see the dragons in the flow, I see the bodies out of control just under the waves, I see the hands that seem to be helping up and the ones that seem to be crab in a barreling down…
No one can really tell you what Gravity is. Ask Neil Degrasse Tyson. But whatever it is we have to break away from it to ascend. And whatever the grid can do to get you off that mark seems to be nominally legal until you become aware of it AS a technical foul…and then the ref and the grid has to honor that you know your rights in the game and get out of your way.
What dances are you in that it is time to decide not to finish?